To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.
– Thomas Campbell
One of our readers posted a very important question to yesterday’s article, “Be Happy Now!” She asked, ‘How is one to grieve and mourn a loved one’s passing and still be in joy?’
I asked the author, Arne Klingenberg, if he could please reply and share some insights with our reader. He soulfully obliged and posted a beautiful and meaningful response — full of love and hope.
I would like to share his thoughtful reply with you today, as it is my hope that his words may help heal other sorrowful hearts in our community and fill them with love and joy.
“Uniting in Love and Joy with a Departed One“
by Arne Klingenberg
To lose a loved one is certainly the toughest experience one can go through in life, and by default, sooner or later this happens to all of us. The loss of a beloved husband/wife/partner is particularly hard to fathom, and so is the premature death of one’s child.
Missing a loved one is a good thing that should be welcomed, rather than trying to be overcome. While we miss someone dearly we are actually closest together, spirit to spirit, soul to soul.
We can experience this while the beloved is still with us in the here and now. Sometimes we get only briefly separated and other times for a whole day, week or even longer, and all we can think of is our darling. What is s/he doing right now? Is s/he alright? And so on. We miss the person during the day, at night and while waking up in the morning, deeply thinking, missing and loving him/her. And when we’re honest with our self, these are often the moments we enjoy our partner more than when we’re right next to each other, perhaps watching TV or getting otherwise occupied with our chores or little daily routines, when we take the other somewhat (unintentionally) for granted to the point of hardly looking or smiling at each other, even noticing as s/he is such a normal presence we simply ‘got used’ to… So in a way, we love and treasure each other more intensely when we are not together, when we miss each other.
There is no real separation in love. Love is us and it transcends time and space.
So don’t try to gradually forget a loved one and ‘move on.’ It is not possible anyway. Yes, you can (learn to once again) move from one happy and joy-filled moment to the next in life, and yet those will and should always include the moments you feel deeply connected in love, missing each other, talking with each other, asking questions, remembering the joyful moments experienced together, and even sharing a laugh or smile.
That last bit may sound a bit strange, and yet it is what I’ve experienced when a dearly loved one was actually smiling at me, making a really funny joke about the sad music playing at her funeral, and even though I was so sad, I had a happy moment when we laughed together, somewhere somehow in a dimension we shared.
To feel anger at a loved departed one is very normal and should not be suppressed either; after all it is a sign of love. Allow the anger and connect again in love and you will come to understand ever deeper why and how something has happened, gain increasingly deeper insights into your life and his/her. Because when we love, we easily and naturally understand. We can’t blame or feel guilty when we love. Love truly understands.
And love is the ultimate connection. It is faster than the speed of light, even the speed of mind. It is the most direct and intimate embrace there is. And yes, we will always miss hearing the voice and feeling the physical presence of the beloved, for as long as we inhabit our physical body. But remember, we *are* the soul or spirit, as opposed to those who mistake themselves to be their body plus having a soul somehow and somewhere…
When we communicate with someone and refer to the other purely as being a body, it would be just the same as when we talked to his/her clothes… imagine that! 🙂
When we are united in love we are feeling joy, even if there is a lingering pain that we are physically separated. But in those moments when all we feel is pure love for our partner and feel loved by him/her, we feel joy and happiness, heart to heart, soul to soul. Welcome, treasure, and enjoy these moments to the fullest.
Sometimes we may even experience physical sensations while being immersed in love — feelings of relief, sensations of light, the quickening of energy flows, a tingling of nerves in our brain or body, pulsating muscles, flashes of pictures or other mental insights, and so on. It will be healing and will help you to cope — feeling ever better to the point of being able to enjoy life once again, as much as possible, more and more. Every day.
Do remember him/her every day. For me it’s an everyday moment, before breakfast, to light an incense in front of a particularly nice picture with a beautiful fresh flower next to it. I remember and reflect, miss and love, have a word, and by now usually end up with a loving smile. Keep a few favorite pictures in a couple of places only (not in every room as you need to have some space for your current ‘solo’ life and that includes a bit of ‘privacy’ too) and treasure them. Dust and change them from time to time. Remember all anniversaries and special days/dates you had together by cooking a nice meal, or going out to a special place.
Raise your glass and make a toast. Celebrate the life of your loved one, admire the achievements made, talk about him/her with love and appreciation for the good times you spent in this wonderful and heroic adventure we call life.
Cry whenever you feel like it. Don’t force yourself to be cheerful all the time. It must be real, and it will be so again. Let the tears wash away your pain, but hang onto your love and fully let yourself go in its gentle embrace. And increasingly, you will cry tears of love in separation and actually feel good, instead of crying out of self-pity that only feels bad and separates you from enjoying the fruits of your mutual love.
And finally, remember that love is never possessionary or exclusionary. It is self-sufficient and radiating, being its own reward. So love leaves room for loving others as well. The more the merrier. There are many types or flavors of love. They all come in the active and passive form. And none have to come at the exclusion of others. After some time has passed, it is even possible to find another love in the here and now, to spend time and do pleasant things together. Of course, that will neither replace our loved one nor negate or diminish our mutual love. Real love is eternal. It is always well-wishing, only wanting the best for each other…
Feeling depressed upon losing a loved one is normal for a while, sometimes for a very long while. Researchers have found that people who were suffering grief had higher blood pressure and an increased heart rate. It can weaken our immune system. And our heart pains can lead to a real heart attack. This would be completely uncalled for, certainly by our beloved who wishes nothing more than us to be healthy and happy during our remaining days in our bodies — while already looking forward to welcoming and seeing us again when it is our time to leave this dimension. For meeting again we will, for sure. Because like attracts like. Those who love each other will always attract each other, no matter the obstacles, no matter the dimensions. Love is the instant and infallible guiding light that brings and keeps us together.
The loss of a loved one is not the end. It is the beginning of a deepening of our relationship.
It is also helping us to remember who we really are. To grow beyond the mirage of this particular dimension, preparing us to make the transition ourselves, for we all have to do that one day. In a way, it even makes it easier for us, as we look forward to seeing our dear one again. Our love literally opens the door to the eternal spiritual worlds.
Copyright Arne Klingenberg. All Rights Reserved.
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Wishing you a love-filled and joyous day!!