The Bath
Imagine this… soft lighting, candlelight reflecting a warm glow. A soft lavender scent envelops you. You sink into warm, bubbly water and feel the tension leave your body. Ahhh — a balm for the stressed and worn out among us. Self-care at its best.
Or is it? I love a good bath, a night of TV to avert my gaze from the world. But something shifted. That kind of self-care was no longer enough. I still felt empty. Life was still a shambles. The world remained chaotic. My search began for something deeper and more powerful.
On Facebook, an account called Nepenthe shared these words from writer Brianna Wiest that spoke directly to my unease:
“True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from. And that often takes doing the thing you least want to do.”
Ow. Here I was, happily indulging in what I called self-care — and it may not have been the balm I was searching for. Interestingly, the word nepenthe refers to a substance that makes you forget sorrow or pain, originally a mythical “drug of forgetfulness” in ancient Greek literature.
The wellness industry has grown enormously in recent years, and with that growth, self-care is sometimes marketed as a lifestyle we need to buy rather than a practice we can build. There is nothing wrong with seeking comfort or enjoying products and experiences that help us feel better. But when self-care becomes only a way to soothe ourselves, it can distract us from the deeper conditions in our lives that may need attention or change.
We are seduced into a world that feels good but doesn’t resolve what we’re facing. And Wiest’s line keeps ringing: “…it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.”
The Real Question
I am not saying wellness is unnecessary — but it is not the answer to pain so much as an aid to relief. Meditation focuses the mind. Yoga strengthens the body. What I’m suggesting is that we not forget the hard things we still need to tend. That is self-care, too.
We live complicated lives. We work, raise kids, and care for aging parents. Prices are up and pay is down. The world is in tumult and anxiety is high. What are we to do?
Sweeping Up the Shattered Dreams
Cultivating a life I didn’t want to run from was a meaty question. There were shattered dreams to sweep up — an aging and uncooperative body, debt to manage while thinking about retirement. It seemed unbearably hard. I let go of a big apartment with a wide vista. I let go of the dream of building a business that could sustain me. Truthfully, I disappeared into reality TV and chocolate while plans percolated.
It meant giving up the life I thought I would live for a new one — tearing apart a vision to craft something sustainable, maybe leaner, but richer.
Taking Off the Mask
Self-care meant doctor appointments to care for a frailer body, while fighting for pensions and fair housing. It was discovering my neurodiversity and mourning how a late diagnosis had shaped my life. I had lived believing I was not smart, because my brain didn’t work the way other people’s brains did — or so I thought. It worked differently. Unpacking that difference was eye-opening: I needed micro-plans and bite-sized pieces to function, and I was easily overloaded by too much information at once.
Self-care was taking off the mask of normality and honoring how my brain actually worked. I had to craft a way of life that supported the person I had always been — but had hidden.
Each day I let go of things… and added new ones. It meant I couldn’t retire when I’d planned or travel the world. But self-care took on new and powerful meaning. I now felt in charge of my future.
The Pit That a Spa Day Won’t Fix
All those pleasures of self-care — chocolate, silly movies, naps — are still there. I need reality TV to decompress after a long day. But if you still feel that deep pit of anxiety after a spa day, it may be time to face what has been gnawing at you. We can run for health, but we can’t keep running from the things we need to address.
Building It Anyway
Creating the life we choose is challenging. Vision boards and big dreams can sketch what that life looks like — but stepping out, planning, and taking action are what actually build the foundation. Pay down your debt. Lose the weight. Take a class, learn something new. Become a justice warrior. Fight the systems that keep us passive. This kind of self-care can feel plodding, slow, and sometimes agonizing. Who wants to work more hours or drive a less alluring car? Society seduces us with images of the perfect life. Confront those assumptions. Challenge builds the muscle for a good and solid life.
What will self-care look like for you now?
Earn Your Bath
Do the hard work — and eat the cake. Now that warm bath feels wonderful, a true reward, knowing that you have done all that you can for your life.
Sandra Lee Schubert has spent three decades exploring the intersections of creativity, spirituality, and meaningful work. A published poet, ordained interfaith minister, and former radio host of Wild Woman Network, she brings curiosity and heart to everything she creates. When she’s not helping service businesses tell their stories, you’ll find her seeking out quiet moments, tending her creative spirit, and asking the questions that matter. She believes in slowing down, listening deeply, and living with intention.
