Celebrating Conscious Relationships
A Global Revolution In How We Communicate In Love, Work And Politics
by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D.
Real Magic That Changes The World
Kathlyn and I have been married and working together for almost thirty years now. From helping thousands of people resolve their life and relationship issues, there’s one important piece of good news we can give you: It’s easier than you may think to
create real, practical magic in your life. If you know the right moves, it’s possible to soar quickly to astonishing heights of love and abundance.
Conscious Relationship Moves Create The Magic
Miraculous transformation happens when people do things like these:
•Commit to positive actions (instead of complain about negative acts.)
•Speak honestly (instead of hide the truth.)
•Take healthy responsibility (instead of blame others.)
•Express appreciation (instead of chronic criticism.)
•Wonder (instead of worry) about the challenges they face.
Simple, reliable tools exist for doing those things.
It won’t take you long to learn to use the tools (although it has taken us a lifetime or so to master them!) Once you learn to use the tools you have a remarkable power at your disposal. We’ve seen awe on the faces of thousands of people when they use the
tools to create a piece of magic in their relationships.
Together We Can Make It Happen
We encourage you to study the following principles, and to practice the moves until you feel them ‘in your bones’ and can do them in your sleep. Waking up to conscious loving is like coming out of a long sleep or trance most of
us fall into when we’re growing up. The trance has us believe that genuine love is out of our reach, that conflict is necessary, that sacrifice is required and that creativity must be squelched in favor of relationship harmony. Now, millions of us are awakening from that
trance and going for what we really want in our close relationships: authenticity, creativity, commitment and continuous spiritual growth. If that’s for you, we celebrate you and encourage you and are grateful to you for joining us in creating a new world of conscious
The First Principle
Relationships thrive when each partner commits to total union with the other person and total creative expression as an individual.
The First Magic Move
Make a heartfelt commitment to the other person that you’re willing to go beyond all your ego-defenses to full unity. At the same time, make a commitment to going all the way with your creative expression. Then observe the emergence of your defensive barriers every day. Report
them honestly, but don’t take them seriously. In fact, ego defenses disappear quickly when you turn them into play.
The Second Principle
Relationships thrive when each partner learns from every relationship interaction, especially the stressful ones, instead of running programmed defensive moves. Some popular defensive moves: criticizing, listening-filters, lying, sulking in silence, making noisy uproars, numbing
out with food, drink, smoke, TV and other habit-forming drugs.
The Second Magic Move
Make a heartfelt commitment to learning something new from every relationship interaction. Notice your defensive moves as they emerge, and gradually transplant wondering and truth-speaking in place of defensiveness.
The Third Principle
Relationships thrive in a climate of absolute honestly – no hidden feelings or withheld truths. All feelings – anger, sadness, joy, fear, sexual attraction – are okay to discuss with the other person, and each person is able to listen, free of
listening-filters such as listening-to-find-fault and listening-to-fix.
The Third Magic Move
Notice your feelings and thoughts, and speak about them to your partner. If there are things you’ve done or feelings you’re afraid to talk about, make sure to speak about those to your partner. Get familiar with your habitual
listening-filters and practice summarizing what the other person is saying with no distortion. Practice acknowledging the feelings and desires embedded in communications.
The Fourth Principle
Relationships thrive when people keep their agreements impeccably. It doesn’t matter whether an agreement seems trivial (“Sorry, honey, but I forgot to take the
trash out.”) or significant (“Sorry, honey, but I slept with your twin sister and the maid of honor the night before our wedding.”) There is no such thing as a minor lapse of integrity, according to Tom Peters, and our experience has confirmed this radical notion.
The Fourth Magic Move
Monitor each agreement you make very carefully, making sure you want to make it in the first place. Once you make an agreement, fulfill it impeccably or change it consciously by communicating with the relevant person.
The Fifth Principle
People thrive in a climate of 100% accountability, where nobody blames or claims victim status. 100% accountability is the shift from “I was wronged” to “I take full responsibility for events occurring the way they did.” From this empowered position, problems can be solved
quickly, because time and energy are not squandered in a fruitless attempt to find fault yourself or others.
The Fifth Magic Move
In any situation, claim responsibility for having created it the way it occurred. Wonder about how and why you might have wanted it to occur that way. Speak in empowered language rather than victim language (“I choose to go to the dentist” rather than “I have to go to the
dentist.” “I take responsibility for eating so that I have a healthy body,” rather than “Why did you buy that huge bucket of buttered popcorn? You know I can’t resist it.”)
The Sixth Principle
Relationships flourish when partners appreciate each other liberally. People grow more beautiful through our appreciation of them. Relationships take a quantum leap when each partner practices appreciation of the other person as a daily art form.
The Sixth Magic Move
Invent new ways to appreciate the other person every day, and speak appreciations frequently. Live inside questions such as, “What is my partner’s true essence and how can I invite it forth?” And “What could I appreciate about my partner at this
The Seventh Principle
Everything can be resolved with willingness and love. Love is the ultimate healer and liberator, because only love is vast enough to embrace its opposite. In other words, you can love yourself even when you hate yourself, and the hate will melt in the larger presence off love.
Whatever emerges in a close relationship is the next thing that needs to be loved.
The Seventh Magic Move
Love as much as you can from wherever you are.
It’s Time Now
We believe the time is now to create a revolution in how the world works. We believe it’s time to take the same tools out into the political realm that make magic happen in your personal relationships. Take a moment to imagine what that new world might
Imagine a world in which politicians don’t blame each other.
Instead, they put their attention on creating innovative solutions to the problems we elected them to work on.
Imagine a home in which nobody criticizes anyone.
Instead the family works together to create abundance, solve problems and make contributions to the community.
Imagine a close relationship in which you’re never blamed or criticized.
Instead you expand in love and creativity every day.
Imagine a world in which politicians speak honestly.
Instead of lying, concealing and denying, they tell the truth and use their energy to make life better for the people who elected them.
The only real revolution is in the way human beings communicate with each other. Let’s take what we’ve learned about creating conscious relationships, and make a new world based on those same magical principles and tools.
© 2008 The Hendricks Institute, Inc.
Gay Hendricks and his wife,
Kathlyn, are the authors of CONSCIOUS
LOVING, THE CONSCIOUS HEART and other relationship books.
direct The Hendricks Institute and its Center for Conscious Relationships in
Santa Barbara. The Hendricks Institute -
800-688-0772. www.hendricks.com and www.therelationshipsolution.com